13 May Inside OUT
***This is a sequel to the previous blog post called “Outside IN”. These are two perspectives; one as seeing an addict, and one as being an addict.
Children laughing, people clapping, smiles present, happiness and contentment seem so common to those around me, how is this possible? As I ride by the parks where I used to play, I see children enjoying the same thing today; they are so naïve and love the world so much, I wish I was a child again. Outside the sandwich shops of downtown on a nice summer day, I see people enjoying a drink and soaking up the sun, how can they do that? Posts on social media seem to be so positive, friends are succeeding, others are finding courage to break new barriers, and I want to be like them.
They all seem to love the light and can function in it.
For me, all I know is the darkness. As I ride by the parks at night, I see where I met up with my dealer recently, a place to hang out while trashed. The parks are empty, and the dark seems so comforting. How can such a place be so entertaining and fulfilling during the day, but hold such wickedness at night? The last time I past that sandwich shop, I was on my way to grab a pack of needles from the pharmacy next door. Or was it when I was selling drugs to someone in the back of the parking lot? I can’t remember. Tonight on my computer I will play music that soothes the harrowing soul. I want music that entertains the thought about suicide, and how evil and unkind the world can be, oh what a temporary collaboration of loneliness with another, another that I do not know but can certainly relate to.
Drugs seem to push everything away, it becomes so easy when the high is here, and the guilt seems to fade away. What if I had enough drugs that I would never have to buy again? Certainly this would solve my issue, I wouldn’t have to steal, manipulate or even work anymore for that matter. But would this solve my issue? I am jealous of the things I see during the day, oh how I long to be that father of his children, and be a good husband someday. They all look so happy, they love being in the light of day and sharing in the hope of a better tomorrow. Maybe I am meant to be this way and will never again be able to share in the light with the rest of the happy world; what a tragedy.
All I see is the darkness of this town, I wonder if there is anything good left in it? I’ve heard my town is a great place according to national standards, but how can this be so? I know the drug dealers, the prostitutes and everyone else who are in the same activity I am in. This town has two sides, the light and the darkness. The darkness is thriving. The light seems to be so much different, how can it be?
Can someone please help me get from this darkness and into this light? I am tired of the darkness; I want authentic love and reality. Someone please reach out to me and pull me out of the darkness? I’ve heard of this happening to people like me, but don’t know anyone personally. Where do you find these people? Will you please help me out of the darkness and into this light?
By Scott O’Neil